In An Open Relationship With Facebook

I would like to start off by thanking Facebook for adding the two new relationship statuses, in a civil union and in a domestic partnership to the supercool relationship drop-down menu, although I'm confident it wasn't Mark Doucherberg's idea (afterall, few are).

Let's review, shall we?  Facebook relationship statuses defined:

Single = Banging myself daily

In a relationship = Banging the girl I love twice a month

Engaged = Banging the girl I love twice a month but am ready to move our relationship forward (i.e. banging on holidays)

Married = We don't bang, we play Scrabble

It’s complicated = Actively stalking someone (but I think we’ll be talking in real life soon)

In an open relationship = Putting it in a different butt every night

Widowed = My vagina died.  I don’t know when or why, but it’s definitely dead

Separated = Fucking someone over

Divorced = Being fucked over

In a civil union/domestic partnership = I'm mega gay and my kids won't receive my social security benefits when I die

People break up, make up, make out, remain friends, and sometimes plot to kill each other.  Thankfully we have Facebook to track our profile settings and attempt to deliver helpful advice during our most trying times.  Change your relationship status to single and start seeing ads for Weight Watchers and dating services.  Congrats on your engagement!  I hope you'll find these ads for blood diamonds and vacations in Europe amazingly unaffordable!  Are you one quarter away from getting your Master's?  Why not finish up at Notevenaschoolatall University...click here for details!

I'd like to give back to you, Facebook, and I hope you'll find these ads I've created helpful to the problem areas in your life.