Have you ever noticed the sting you get in your vagina or anus right before you find yourself shouting the safe word? How about that uncomfortable burn after eating too many jalepenos? Or the way you feel when a toot comes out the front instead of the back (wrong. you feel bad and wrong).
Well these are the sensations I feel when I'm browsing on Le Facebook, stumble across old Veronica Badbreath's page and see the beloved Add as Friend button. Oh really, Veronica Badbreath? Cue the music because we are living in a defriended world and I am a defriended girl.
Why'd you do it, Ronnie? Did I post too much? Not enough? Was I too gay? Did I bang your daughter?
Defriend, unfriend...these terms didn't even exist until social networking knocked on the door and pooped in our toilet. Rude! Before we know it defriend will be added to the dictionary. It may take awhile, as the word approval process has undergone serious scrutiny since the addition of soul patch in 2004. Merriam doesn't know what Webster was thinking and let's just say they aren't friends on the Book anymore either.
I think the most maddening thing about the Facebook defriend is how maniacal my mind is when I discover that I only have 305 friends, when just an hour ago 307 was proudly displayed. Rational people will tell me things like "oh, don't be silly, they probably deactivated their accounts."
Crazy-ass me knows better though. I grab a bottle of wine, a bag of Reeses, and scroll through my friends list aimlessly and repeatedly. I will likely have Single White Female playing in the background (special edition DVD) and get frequent eyerolls from Mark Zuckerberg, my dog. I'll try harder than I ever did in physics and if I am fucking lucky, I'll never figure it out.
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